friday, june 18, 1999 4:20:66 pm

bewilderment ii

there have been a few questions that have come up about the past few entries, and even ones past that, and i've decided that i'm going to take some time to answer those questions - or at least those that i see fit to answer.

q: why don't you write more often?

a: well, you see, unlike a normal 'net-head, i don't sit around a computer all day just so that i have something to do, well at least not now. before (you'll see about a year ago i was pretty good at putting up entries, almost close to everyday) i had a lot of time on my hands, but now working two jobs, and then hanging out at least 4 to 5 hours a day... i just don't have the time to do things with palesky that i want to do. and to be honest, i really don't mind. living life in real time has always been more satisfying than living life online.

q: what the hell is with that cryptic shit?

a: it's exactly what it is. it's cryptic. it's up to you to decipher it, otherwise i wouldn't have made it so cryptic.

q: so why exactly were you and dave worried at the park?

a: despite what a lot of people think (and i know there are those of you out there that are thinking of such things) dave and i were basically hanging out, having a few drinking sessions. it's just that at the time dave was just barely under the age of 21, and getting caught drinking in a public park right before he turned 21 and the day before my american inauguration ceremony (where i officially became a citizen), was probably not going to look so good. so all you people thinking other things, think them no longer.

q: just how often do you visit toronto?

a: i visit toronto all the time. it's where i was born and raised, and i still have a lot of roots and connections there that i like to keep in touch with. it's a fun and exciting place, and i highly recommend that if you ever have the time, go and visit. maybe we'll meet there some time.

q: why do you wonder so much about changing things about yourself?

a: well, you see, you're not me. you don't understand the situations that i've gone through. you don't know the trails and tribulations that i had to struggle with. you haven't sat in your dark room countless days just thinking of how life would have been so much easier if you weren't the way you were, if you didn't look the way you looked, if you didn't act the way you acted. however, wondering does not mean in any way that i'm unhappy about how things turned out. in fact, if i were to go through everything again (something that i've also thought about often) i wouldn't change one thing. everything that i've gone through, whether good, bad or worse, has molded and changed me into the person i am today. and frankly, i'm quite proud of the person that i am now.

q: are you a geek?

a: yes i am. and you know why? because i'll never be as cool as you.

q: do you like answering all these questions?

a: actually no. in fact, i think i despise it. so i'm going to stop now, and break into normal entry mode.

i've been thinking like mad lately. that's actually what i've been doing in my spare time, during work, while i drive around, while i hang out with mia and jack, while i play guitar, while i write this entry. think, think, think. sometimes thinking is not a good thing.

for instance, i've been thinking a lot of global warming. has anyone else noticed that the weather patterns for the past few months (some would even say years) have been a little haywire? i'm thinking that it's not just mother nature getting back at us. but the thing that surprises me most is the way so many people brush it off as if it were normal. is it normal for places to have 6 days of extreme drought, and then all of a sudden get 6 months of rainfall in one week? no, it isn't. if the human race doesn't stop to take the time to give back to the earth that has given so much to us, we aren't going to last very long.

i've also been thinking about why i get this way - this way meaning sad. last night while mia and i were waiting around for jack to get his stuff together we talked. after normal small talk had faded away i looked at her and asked:

"do you ever... just feel... sad?"

after a small sigh, she looked back at me and replied, "yeah. all the time."

this is something that i understand. in fact, this is what i'm feeling right now. even when everything seems to be going great, i sometimes wake up in the morning and just feel sad. it's almost a crippling sadness, where i don't want to do anything. in fact, it may be the reason i was late to work today. i'm not completely sure, but it very well might be.

i've been thinking about getting some help. chances are, i probably won't.

i think about love. i try not to think about it, because that usually leads seamlessly into me being sad. but you can't help it, at least in my case. i haven't been looking for it, which has pretty much been my philosophy on love for awhile. it's funny when it smacks you in the face before you realize it. it's also funny when it's a love that you know you shouldn't have. that has happened to me so many times it's disgusting. i have this feeling looming over my head that i won't find that special someone in a long time. or maybe i've already found her, but i just don't know it. wouldn't that be nice. wouldn't that be classic.

i think about going west. i've been thinking about going overseas. at the end of this month i have to decide whether or not i'm going to sign a full time contract with work. before that, i have to decide if i'm just going say fuck to everything, just sell all my stuff, and buy a piece of land and build my own house with my two bare hands. live alone, but one with nature. leave my sorrows and joys behind me. it probably won't happen, but one can dream.

i need you to know that i'm not going to be around publically for awhile. i may give a few entries through the mailing list, so you're more than welcome to sign up. this hiatus is self-imposed, but it's also very much needed. i love you guys. keep in touch.

yesterday | history | names | subscribe | palesky | tomorrow