tuesday, june 4, 2002 7:13:59 pm



yeah, it's me. it's been awhile, hasn't it?

almost two years later (13 days more and it would have been officially two years since i wrote anything here) and life still rolls on like a runaway train. it's been so long since i've done anything like this - everything in terms of writing feels a bit rusty for me, and as i type away at my computer i'm kind of unsure where to start. i feel pretty rusty doing a lot of things. even around creative experimental design i feel a little wary, which is weird since i was churning out the shit out like no tomorrow back in the day.

i could always start where i last left off. when last i wrote you i was addicted to smoking, was regularly missing sleep, didn't have a girlfriend, worked at a design firm and would partake of quite a few drinks (not to mention a few other vices that probably shouldn't be spoken of). i look at that list and realize that although things change, they remain the same.

i still work at the same firm, although things have drastically changed around that. back in the day, i was carefree about money and new that there was always a paycheck coming. that is no longer the case. ever since the september 11 attacks (you knew i was going to mention that somewhere, right?) the whole economy went haywire, which directly effected job security. jobs and positions were thrown out the window while companies frantically scrambled to keep themselves afloat. well, i never lost my job but i too was stung with loss of job security. while i remain at the same job i no longer have the luxury of being paid a set yearly salary and instead i get paid per billable hour. now, that's all good and dandy when the economy is booming and there's so much work that several more people need to be hired (at least temporarily) in order with the influx of new jobs, but when things are bad, things are bad. i have found myself stressing from day to day wondering whether i'll be able to take enough billable hours in order to pay all my bills because frankly, i've got quite a few of them. i'd probably be able to float with a low paycheck for a month or two but anything beyond that and i'd be fucked.

luckily, i've been able to churn out enough hours equal or above what i was making when i had a set salary but there have been a few close calls, and definitely some long hours. but i guess that's the nature of the business world. i'd have to say the one of the few good things about this new working arrangement is the fact that i can come and go to work as i see fit. of course, i have to be in when there are company meetings, and when clients come in to see how their projects are proceeding... but other then those set of scenarios i'm pretty free to come and go as i please. i'm not sure whether or not that balances out the loss of job security, but it's still a nice perk.

i still smoke. i had quit for quite awhile until... well, love. but i'll get into that another time.

i don't drink that much anymore. i used to drink quite a bit (as you might recall if you had read any of my previous entries) but my desire to be inebriated by way of alcohol has seriously been curbed. sure, i'll find myself drinking a beer or a glass of wine from time to time when friends from out of town are here, or some other type of special event, but the days of just going out to get wasted are long gone. in fact, a lot of my older vices are gone as well. there were days filled with white, boomers, e, h, acid, etc... and my desire to do any of them has long disappeared.

i am still a chronic insomniac. i had some success with that recently as i've been meditating and using some type of self-hypnosis techniques (at least i think they are - i'm kind of unsure as to where i picked these techniques up - probably from all my psych classes in college) to bring myself to sleep at earlier times. but lately my mind has been filled with dreams of websites and the beauty of what was to me, and i've been up late for the past couple of days trying to figure out how to go about it.

i've also been using the same meditating and self-hypnosis techniques to help me remember my dreams. i have extraordinarily horrible dream recall, and that's something that's really bugged me especially since one of my younger sisters has always been able to recall any dream as if she had experienced them in reality the day before. i've had moderate success, but i always find myself jumping into the shower after realizing that i'd be getting into work way too late resulting in my dreams flowing down the drain. when i do have had the privilege of remembering my dreams, they usually have been about her....

and her. my little elf. my little sad nymph. the one who would occupy my dreams and own my heart for the past year. i still think of her everyday even though i try not to.


well, we'll leave it at that for now. i'm sure there will be more coming soon enough.

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