sunday, may 14, 2000 11:11:11 pm
yeah, it's been a long time since i've written. i guess that would explain
why people are dropping like flies off of my onelist, eGroup list, whatever.
or maybe they are liking that blogging habit that i've gotten myself
into recently. to name a few.
it's strange. i'm sitting in an empty office, just thinking, just thinking.
my mind is full of colors, of events, declarations made and broken,
of life beyond the cosmos. i want you to call me crazy. because i just
like i've stated, i've been thinking a lot. did you know there's war
all the time? i mean war - ALL THE TIME. i mean, sure there you are,
thinking, of course randall, there is always war. war has been occuring
since humans realized they didn't like each other. but we've got other
wars too. wars with our minds. war with decisions. war with addictions.
war with temptations. war with idiosyncratic behaviors, war with neurotic
thoughts, war with paranoia. i'm fighting everyday, loving it, hating
it, making it me and what i am.
thirty minutes ago, i was at wendy's. i ordered 2 double cheeseburger
deluxe's, and a great biggie fries. you gotta love fast food names.
they make me chuckle and think of marketing, owners, producers, farmers,
and here we are, just eating it. well, i've finished one of the cheeseburgers.
today was mother's day. it won't be in less than an hour. this entry
probably won't even be uploaded until the wee minutes of the 15th, but
i need to write. it's just pouring out of me, in a bloody, gooey, ejaculated
mess. but about mother's day - it was calm. i called my mother yesterday,
and today, telling her that i loved her, and that i was proud that she
was my mother. i went on a little picnic for my step-mother, which was
nice besides all the obstacles. we went biking and i played around with
my baby sister (who will be 2 this 19th) on slides, bikes, swings, and
plastic tires. it was... fun.
i also lost my palm pilot. i had a lot of important stuff on there for
work, for my personal life... just a lot of information that was crucial
to me. it'll be hard getting over the fact that i lost it - i left it
on a pay phone when i was trying to get directions for that park that
we had the picnic at. stupid me, left it (the pilot) on the phone. argh.
it's been awhile since i hot-synched it (for all you pilot users), so
i'm not sure how recent all my information is. plus, it's just gonna
be a pain having to fork over some cash for something i already had.
but life can happen that way. i'm really surprised that it hasn't bothered
me a helluva lot more. mind you, i wasn't happy... but it didn't get
to me. one point for randall.
i've started on those fries. they are a little less than warm. hmmmm
- still edible.
lately, i've been filling my body with a lot of foreign objects. there,
i've said it. i think it's something i've had to come to terms with.
i enjoyed smoking cigarettes. i enjoyed inhaling weed. i enjoyed popping
pills, consuming the alcohol, rolling the e, tripping the l and munching
the boomers. i enjoyed the cloudy feeling as the nitrous rolled through
my blood stream, i enjoyed the amped hyperness as cocaine zoomed through
my nostrils. i ENJOYED it. take it as you will. but do i enjoy it anymore?
i ask myself that question a lot now.
these fries aren't half bad, by the way.
you may remember me saying something about having a shaved head? well,
i've been using that clever headblade device, and i love the feeling
of no hair on my head. there's just something exhilarating about it.
maybe it's the way it feels when a cool breeze runs through the open
windows of my automobile. maybe it's the neat way that it feels when
it starts getting "stubbly". maybe it's because girls just like walking
up to my head and rubbing it. maybe it's because i don't have to pay
for getting a haircut, and maybe it's because there's so little mess.
maybe. i think it's just fun.
i think i'll shave it tonight - if not tomorrow night.
it's weird. i find that i'm on the ball with a lot of situations, but
i'm still dropping the ball on others. i don't know if that's wrong
either. i do know that sometimes when i drop the ball, i feel really
guilty. really, really guilty. i guess i just need to stop dropping
it when it comes to those certain things. yeah, that's it.
those fries were damn good, now that i've scarfed them all. i guess
i'll start on this last burger.
there was a time when i was in love with sunsets. i mean, i still am,
but there was a period of my life that i would religiously go outside
and watch as the sun set behind the trees. i loved the way the skies
filled with color, the way everything would slightly darken, how the
chill in my bones began to rise. even when it was cloudy out it was
neat - the clouds would slightly not be grayscale - just for a moment.
it was overwhelming. and there i would be, watching, listening, and
somedays taking pictures. i loved having a camera with me.
i was staring at her in the dark light. there she was, so quiet, still
awake, yet lying so still. i could smell her, the scent rising through
her pores, entering my reaching senses. my hand ran though her hair
while my fingers glided across her precious, gorgeous face and my mind
went into an ecstatic frenzy. as my fingertips slipped across her lips,
her warmth made me feel at peace. i smiled as she nuzzled against me.
my burger is almost done.
i scream at the heavens. i whisper to the fathoms below. when i dream,
i talk with the devil and god, and sometimes, i can never tell who is
who. it's funny that way.
i had another dream where my housemate kept asking me for filets of
fish. i replied "why would i have filets of fish, man?" . after a few
garbled moments of talk, he would pull out his wallet, open it - at
which point he would bring to my attention the 7 filets he had dripping
from his leather wallet. "see?", he would cry at me and then walk away.
well, my wendy's meal is done. let me leave with this:
take the world. walk up to a stranger and call him your friend. ask
a family member to hang out. tell your friends that you love them. jump
from the shadows into the sunlight, and proclaim to the world that you
are its master. because you are, you know. call me crazy.