monday, april 24, 2000 11:18:55 am
oh god, it's almost may.
i feel like i'm going to have a heart attack. my eyes hurt, my lungs
want to collapse, my stomach is pissed off. a slight chill is running
through my body, my joints ache, and my throat is sore.
i slept too much this weekend. i guess it's okay though - i needed to
recover from taking care of my siblings for the past 3 weeks. too much
sleeping kicks my ass though. this morning i couldn't fall asleep until
well after 5, and knowing that i had to be at work in 3 hours didn't
help much to ease my mind. for awhile i was thinking it would be best
to just not fall asleep. then i remembered that being stupid is... well,
there she was, probably the most beautiful woman i had seen in ages.
no exaggeration - she was no doubt the finest specimen of the female
species i had seen in a long time. i had seen her from time to
time working at the same place, calmy flipping through a magazine, numbly
listening to that atrocious mall music. i looked around and saw the
same expression on every guys face: "she's so gorgeous she MUST have
a boyfriend". it was intoxicating. i felt like a giddy little school
boy, all squimish and stuff. i have to admit i was dreadfully intimidated.
i guess that would explain why i didn't even bother talking to her.
that must be a curse, to be so beautiful. i mean, people automatically
think that you must have a significant other, and if not people must
be lining up to be the next. for all i know, that young lady might be
the loneliest person in the world. good thing i don't have that curse,
i guess loneliness strikes people on all levels. you may have a wife,
husband, harem, you may be playa or just another bloke on the single
scene, and you could probably still be lonely.
i was inhaling some white this weekend when it hit me - it's been years
since i've had a girlfriend. i mean, i've known for a long time that
i've avoided being in a relationship. i knew that i wasn't ready for
that kind of commitment, that i was happy being by myself, not having
to worry about compromise. i did see allie for a little while, plus
i've seen rissa on and off (do old loves ever die?) and have dated several
people from time to time, but i just never got around to thinking, "this
is someone i want to spend considerable amounts of time with". i never
got that queasiness, that nervousness, that feeling that i wanted to
be one with this person. but i've known all this and have been happy
with it for... 3 years and seven months (DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!). the thing
is, i'm not sure if i feel this way anymore.
just the thought of it is overwhelming enticing. to have someone to
talk to whenever, someone to spent unconditional amounts of time with,
someone to kiss, someone to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, someone
to buy flowers for. someone to share failures, discoveries, triumphs
with. someone to wake up next to in the morning, someone whose company
i would enjoy as equally as she enjoyed being with me. someone who didn't
mind too much if i didn't shave that day, someone who i didn't have
to be embarrassed around, someone who would hold me when i needed to
be held. someone to share my dreams with, someone to take car rides
with, someone who i could call at 3 in the morning. someone to love.
and it feels like love is definitely in the air, i just can't find the
scent. a co-worker of mine just got married, another engaged - in fact,
i think everyone at my office has a significant other except for myself.
i see people holding hands, buying each other flowers, going on dates
to the movies. even people i know online are finding themselves in relationships
(way to go, sammy!). oh huff.
man, i'm feeling lonely.