monday, april 24, 2000 11:18:55 am

bodily abuse

oh god, it's almost may.

i feel like i'm going to have a heart attack. my eyes hurt, my lungs want to collapse, my stomach is pissed off. a slight chill is running through my body, my joints ache, and my throat is sore.

i slept too much this weekend. i guess it's okay though - i needed to recover from taking care of my siblings for the past 3 weeks. too much sleeping kicks my ass though. this morning i couldn't fall asleep until well after 5, and knowing that i had to be at work in 3 hours didn't help much to ease my mind. for awhile i was thinking it would be best to just not fall asleep. then i remembered that being stupid is... well, stupid.

there she was, probably the most beautiful woman i had seen in ages. no exaggeration - she was no doubt the finest specimen of the female species i had seen in a long time. i had seen her from time to time working at the same place, calmy flipping through a magazine, numbly listening to that atrocious mall music. i looked around and saw the same expression on every guys face: "she's so gorgeous she MUST have a boyfriend". it was intoxicating. i felt like a giddy little school boy, all squimish and stuff. i have to admit i was dreadfully intimidated. i guess that would explain why i didn't even bother talking to her.

that must be a curse, to be so beautiful. i mean, people automatically think that you must have a significant other, and if not people must be lining up to be the next. for all i know, that young lady might be the loneliest person in the world. good thing i don't have that curse, huh?

i guess loneliness strikes people on all levels. you may have a wife, husband, harem, you may be playa or just another bloke on the single scene, and you could probably still be lonely.

i was inhaling some white this weekend when it hit me - it's been years since i've had a girlfriend. i mean, i've known for a long time that i've avoided being in a relationship. i knew that i wasn't ready for that kind of commitment, that i was happy being by myself, not having to worry about compromise. i did see allie for a little while, plus i've seen rissa on and off (do old loves ever die?) and have dated several people from time to time, but i just never got around to thinking, "this is someone i want to spend considerable amounts of time with". i never got that queasiness, that nervousness, that feeling that i wanted to be one with this person. but i've known all this and have been happy with it for... 3 years and seven months (DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!). the thing is, i'm not sure if i feel this way anymore.

just the thought of it is overwhelming enticing. to have someone to talk to whenever, someone to spent unconditional amounts of time with, someone to kiss, someone to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, someone to buy flowers for. someone to share failures, discoveries, triumphs with. someone to wake up next to in the morning, someone whose company i would enjoy as equally as she enjoyed being with me. someone who didn't mind too much if i didn't shave that day, someone who i didn't have to be embarrassed around, someone who would hold me when i needed to be held. someone to share my dreams with, someone to take car rides with, someone who i could call at 3 in the morning. someone to love.

and it feels like love is definitely in the air, i just can't find the scent. a co-worker of mine just got married, another engaged - in fact, i think everyone at my office has a significant other except for myself. i see people holding hands, buying each other flowers, going on dates to the movies. even people i know online are finding themselves in relationships (way to go, sammy!). oh huff.

man, i'm feeling lonely.

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