tuesday, march 7, 2000 10:58:23 am
so, i think i've had a couple of breakthroughs in the past couple of
days. of course, a direct consequence is that i've also had 4 hours
of sleep in the past 3 days, but that's besides the point.
well, let me first start off with what has been bugging a few people
- that last entry. apparently, the founder of The Stile Project decided
to kill himself at midnight over the weekend, doing the wicked deed
(he hung himself) only an hour or so before that last entry of mine.
or so it seemed. and in classic "stile" style, he of course had to hint
to everyone that he was going to do so, so everyone that loved his site
(or loved to hate it) went absolutely ape-shit.
of course, there is an overwhelming feeling around the net that it isn't
true, that it was all a hoax. i'm inclined to agree with the hoax theory,
but i don't really give a fuck anymore. while it's a shame that anyone
had to kill themselves, i don't need to go crazy just because he had
a website that entertained me! if he offed himself because he couldn't
handle his shit, then all the power to him. on the other hand, if this
was just a big scheme to get out of doing the website anymore, then
good for him. in any case, either stile or the stile project is dead.
i've done a lot of reflecting. for a really long time, i've been trying
to figure out what is going on inside of me, what makes me tick, what
makes randall randall. and i think my long search is finally turning
out results. i still need a long way to go, but i've come to realize
that i have a lot of habits that i no longer really NEED to deal with.
i mean, at the time i decided to do these things (for example, be self-restrained
when asked for my opinion) it might have been the right decision to
choose AT THAT TIME. but since that choice, i've grown, i know more,
i'm more composed, so that rule doesn't necessarily apply anymore. of
course, i think that's kind of an extreme example (i'm not going to
go around telling people they look like monkeys just because that's
what i think or some shit like that) but i'm hoping that you can understand
my thought process here. hell, take a look at yourself - the same theory
might (and probably does) apply to you as well.
upon this realization i've been trying to share what i've learned. last
night i had two killer conversations - one with jack and the other with
jack has been a friend of mine for some time. i've seen him in his highs
(haha) and i've seen him at his lows. and lately, everything has been
getting to him. so i sat down with him and told him what i thought of
his situation. basically, he's a guy that has way too much shit to do,
that he DOESN'T need to do. he took it upon himself to do all these
things, just to make so many people happy, yet the man doesn't even
have enough time for himself! it's really ridiculous. of course, i may
be completely wrong, but at least i voiced my opinion. before my realization
i probably wouldn't have said anything to him, or i might have just
done it so subtly that he could have easily brushed it off. in any case,
i left his house that night knowing we had a great conversation and
in the hopes that we were better people because of it.
but once i got home, i had a conversation with rissa! i was on a roll.
as some of you may know (or not), rissa is an ex of mine and for a couple
of years we've had a lot of baggage due to our past relationship. for
a long time it was really difficult for me to talk to her, and i did
some things in our relationship that i'm not really proud of, and on
the other side, she did some things that i don't necessary think were
right for our relationship either. but for the first time in 6 years
we were really able to break down some walls, and talk about things
that would never have come up in conversation before - things that we
REALLY needed to talk about in order to progress with our relationship.
like i stated before, i still have a long way to go, but this has got
be a step in the right direction.