tuesday, march 7, 2000 10:58:23 am

so, i think i've had a couple of breakthroughs in the past couple of days. of course, a direct consequence is that i've also had 4 hours of sleep in the past 3 days, but that's besides the point.

well, let me first start off with what has been bugging a few people - that last entry. apparently, the founder of The Stile Project decided to kill himself at midnight over the weekend, doing the wicked deed (he hung himself) only an hour or so before that last entry of mine. or so it seemed. and in classic "stile" style, he of course had to hint to everyone that he was going to do so, so everyone that loved his site (or loved to hate it) went absolutely ape-shit.

of course, there is an overwhelming feeling around the net that it isn't true, that it was all a hoax. i'm inclined to agree with the hoax theory, but i don't really give a fuck anymore. while it's a shame that anyone had to kill themselves, i don't need to go crazy just because he had a website that entertained me! if he offed himself because he couldn't handle his shit, then all the power to him. on the other hand, if this was just a big scheme to get out of doing the website anymore, then good for him. in any case, either stile or the stile project is dead. for now.

i've done a lot of reflecting. for a really long time, i've been trying to figure out what is going on inside of me, what makes me tick, what makes randall randall. and i think my long search is finally turning out results. i still need a long way to go, but i've come to realize that i have a lot of habits that i no longer really NEED to deal with. i mean, at the time i decided to do these things (for example, be self-restrained when asked for my opinion) it might have been the right decision to choose AT THAT TIME. but since that choice, i've grown, i know more, i'm more composed, so that rule doesn't necessarily apply anymore. of course, i think that's kind of an extreme example (i'm not going to go around telling people they look like monkeys just because that's what i think or some shit like that) but i'm hoping that you can understand my thought process here. hell, take a look at yourself - the same theory might (and probably does) apply to you as well.

upon this realization i've been trying to share what i've learned. last night i had two killer conversations - one with jack and the other with rissa.

jack has been a friend of mine for some time. i've seen him in his highs (haha) and i've seen him at his lows. and lately, everything has been getting to him. so i sat down with him and told him what i thought of his situation. basically, he's a guy that has way too much shit to do, that he DOESN'T need to do. he took it upon himself to do all these things, just to make so many people happy, yet the man doesn't even have enough time for himself! it's really ridiculous. of course, i may be completely wrong, but at least i voiced my opinion. before my realization i probably wouldn't have said anything to him, or i might have just done it so subtly that he could have easily brushed it off. in any case, i left his house that night knowing we had a great conversation and in the hopes that we were better people because of it.

but once i got home, i had a conversation with rissa! i was on a roll. as some of you may know (or not), rissa is an ex of mine and for a couple of years we've had a lot of baggage due to our past relationship. for a long time it was really difficult for me to talk to her, and i did some things in our relationship that i'm not really proud of, and on the other side, she did some things that i don't necessary think were right for our relationship either. but for the first time in 6 years we were really able to break down some walls, and talk about things that would never have come up in conversation before - things that we REALLY needed to talk about in order to progress with our relationship.

like i stated before, i still have a long way to go, but this has got be a step in the right direction.

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