friday, february 11, 2000 12:34:56 pm
i dreamt last night for the first time in a long time. i mean, i remembered
a dream last night for the first time in a long time. it was strange. i was sitting
in my bed in this huge and dark room, and all the light seemed to be focused ever
so dimly around my bed. i was rocking back and forth, with my head in between
my knees and my legs up against my chest, similar to the fetal position. softly,
i could hear myself murmuring something about five nodes, the network breaking
down, and gates to dreams. my hair was all mangled and in a mess (which was weird
in itself since i shave my head every week), shiny with oil due to lack of sleep.
i looked up briefly with a bewildered and twisted face, like i had seen something
or knew something that would haunt me for the rest of my life. i saw myself looking
out into the darkness, afraid and terrified, not knowing what was behind that
dark perimeter where the light ceased to exist. suddenly i broke out screaming,
gibberish at first, but soon i could make out my cryptic scream:
them all! kill all five of them!"
for the past
week since my return, i've been struggling with everything. i've been struggling
to get some rest, struggling to get some sleep, struggling with my writing, struggling
with my design. my room is a bloody mess, and the amount of clean clothes i still
possess is quietly dwindling down. i need a big push from behind and get things
i haven't been myself lately. smoke more, my brain tells me. eat
more, my stomach tells me. do nothing, my body tells me. slowly i've been succumbing
more and more to their desires.
i need a girlfriend. yeah.