palesky

tuesday, february 23, 1999 11:29:39 pm

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so yeah, i'm a little confused.

i was thinking to myself the other day about how nice it would be just to pick up my stuff and take off somewhere west. i would only tell a few people, close friends, family and such, and then just leave. take a few clothes and leave this place for awhile. i would end up in california, or maybe colorado, and then work mad hours just so that i could support myself to eat and have a roof over my head, and then just write. and i was completely serious.

this in turn made me realize that i have absolutely no direction in life. sure, i'm in school studying computer science. but then awhile back i was considering changing my major again (i was pre-med before) to psychology. i don't know what i want to be. i don't know what major i want. all i know is that i'm getting older, and having no direction in my life is becoming a scarier thought with each passing day.

i can't figure myself out. is it that i get too bored with everything? do i have a problem with schools? am i incapable of just sitting down and taking classes?

i'll tell you what i'd really like to do. i'd like to sell all my stuff, and just go cross country with a few clothes, a laptop, and my bike. i'd like to live in the wilderness a few days in a tent. i'd like to smell the morning dew after spending a sleepless night near a hidden lake. i'd like to drive until there was no tomorrow. i'd like to watch the horizon forever and watch the sun go up and down. i'd like to live a few years alone or with someone special in the woods, away from civilization. i'd like to stand in the middle of a stream up in the mountains for a few hours and just feel the water trickling through my toes and across my legs. i'd like to sing lullabies on a clear, starry night away from everything.

this list could be endless. there is so much i want to do before my life on earth ends.

i had to pick up my father at the airport today. this forced me to leave my evening class early, something that i wasn't too thrilled about, after all, it's not everyday that you find yourself in a class that you enjoy.

remember missy? the girl whose tongue i drew in what seems like many years ago? well, she's in my class, but we really haven't spoken that much since she mostly works with another group. well, today before i left for the airport she came up to me and whispered in my ear, "hey, i've missed you. call me", simultaneously placing a piece of paper that i assumed had her new number. i wonder what that was all about. she makes it sound as if we were involved before or something. i guess i'll find out soon enough.

as to be expected my father and i argued as soon as i started driving for the highway. why must he insist on talking about something that he KNOWS we are going to automatically fight about? after a trip, wouldn't you just want to go home and rest, and have a little peace and quiet? god knows i would.

people always email me asking why i have a hard time with my father. man, if you guys only knew what i had to deal with when i was younger. did you know that he once belted me one hundred times (absolutely NO exaggeration) just because i threw out my cheese sandwich? did you know that he once made me squat for an hour, with no pants on, belting me if i got too high or too low, just because i didn't eat my lunch? did you know that once he locked me in the basement with no lights on, in a room that he KNEW i was terrified of, just because i didn't eat something that he cooked? that's not even the end of it. hardly. yeah, he was harsh. some might even have hated their fathers if they were just slapped. but i went through it. i learned the hard way. and i still love him. i just don't get it.

it was only me that got treated that way. he never punished my sisters anything like that. i think the worst punishment they've ever gotten was no allowance. i think that's why i was a terrible brother back then - i hated that they were treated so nicely while i was treated so harshly.

but then again, i'm slightly thankful. after hearing about the horror stories of what they do in the philippines (where both my parents came from) i'd be afraid to be a child raised there. my mother once told me that her father hung her up in a bag and belted her while she was inside, because she stole a few eggs from the hen house (doesn't that sound unreal? stole eggs? hen house? hanging your kid inside a bag?). things can be crazy there.

alice called me late tonight, and i told her all about my aspirations to just go somewhere. she said she'd like to do that with me, maybe after the next school year. what a cool friend. so i might just do that. i guess all i have to do is wait another year and a half, and i may just be living in colorado.

p.s. if none of you have noticed, i put up some weird dream project of mine, the tale of parsifal. go there, and tell me what you think, damnit!



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