saturday, january 30, 1999 2:01:69 pm
i've had this before. it's that feeling where everything seems to have mounted on me before i know i am ready. under constant self-analysis i feel myself getting trapped. i don't know where i am, where i'm going, and where i've been. it's a terrible feeling.
do you feel like you haven't done anything for yourself? do i feel like i haven't done anything for myself? yes. not very much *truly* for myself. i stare at my constricted freedom, which really isn't freedom, and i think.
that's all i really do. i think. think and think. i've been thinking of past mistakes and disappointments, and wondering if i'll just repeat myself in the future. it's all there, when i stare at my ceiling trying, begging, wanting to fall asleep, my life animating through the power of my imagination and it makes me unhappy. i feel trapped.
fighting with my father has become the constant in my life. this disturbs me. no, not a girlfriend, nor a best friend, not smoking nor writing are my constants... just fighting. i'm sick of it. i don't fight. i don't want to fight.
i found out some time ago that my mother and sister blame me for the distance that has grown between us. i've been struggling as to why they would think that... after all, am i not the one that calls every sunday? am i not the one that spends my money to go and visit them?
it was my friends birthday yesterday. his name is pete. we go way back, when i used to live in toronto. we became friends when we were wee little lads. he loves music. he devotes his life to music. he's making a cd of the music he's written, and he's not even going to sell it. i have such respect for him. i wrote him a long email yesterday, and wished him many more years upon his life.
thursday i met this girl. her name is kelly and is quite lovely. i actually met her the thursday before, but we didn't talk much, since we were listening to my psych prof lecture straight from the book (doesn't that sound useless?). i remember her walking in and some sort of jolt passed through me as i glanced into her blue eyes. somehow through a 2 hour class we managed to find common interests and exchange numbers (surprisingly her request). she can hold a conversation with me, and a good one to boot. i like her already.
this is a childish, pathetic entry. but soon i'm going to go to park with my acoustic guitar, and jam with some buds, and all will be good.