sunday, december 20, 1998 03:01:03 pm
so once again it struck.
a feeling of inadequacy, uselessness and sadness. i haven't been diagnosed as "depressed" as i haven't gone anywhere where they would diagnose me as such, but if what i felt wasn't depression, then i feel sorry for those that have been diagnosed with it.
i don't know why these feeling come along when they do. chel often recommends that i get medication to perhaps avoid having another situation like this, but is that necessary? maybe that's it though - i always think i can solve my problems on my own, without help of any kind, whether it be through drugs, counselling, or friends. i don't know, maybe i'm being silly.
so that is the basic reasoning as to why i haven't been really doing anything journal and website wise.
during the week i came close to finishing a few entries, but i ended being completely unmotivated to ftp them up. however, interesting things did happen, so i've decided to do a little cut and pasting.
saturday, december 12, 1998 10:47:22 pm
"...the email went as follows: (this is me describing my past)
so there we were, sitting in history class, not able to listen to our teacher even if we chose to. i had gone off into my own daydream (no doubt thinking of ways to get even higher and expand my mind further) when it happened. lisa, who sat in the seat in front of me, began to shake. slightly at first, then a bit more, and then uncontrollably. her desk suddenly became airborne peaking at about five feet, her chair went flying back into my own desk, while she fell to the floor, pulling out clumps of hair and screaming 'snakes in my hair, snakes in my hair!'..."
tuesday, december 15, 1998 11:08:34 pm
"...there is this homeless man that walks around the place where i work. i see him all the time, sleeping on the pavement, in garbage bags, while people pass as if he weren't there. but they know he's there. they have to, i mean, he's just THERE. god knows I know he's there. today he was sleeping standing up, leaning his head against the fence. i gave him my lunch, knowing full well that i wasn't hungry anyway. he smiled a grin that had no teeth and motioned that he couldn't talk. 'this man could be a genius' i thought to myself, as he drifted back to sleep, still standing, clutching his newly acquired paper bag containing what used to be my lunch in his hand. can the rest of the world be so blind?..."
wednesday, december 16, 1998 11:09:54 pm
"...anita gave me an awesome xmas present. it's a swiss army knife, 'midnight messenger' class. after receiving it and thanking anita quite promptly with a hug and kiss on the cheek, i spent countless minutes in the office shining the red light on the knife in people's direction, especially pee-boy. yes, the thing has a damn light in it, and a pen! how cool is that? well, not very according to ron, as i could hear him telling anita that she should never have given it to me. damn that pee-boy..."
thursday, december 17, 1998 10:24:11 pm
"...the guestbook entry went as follows:
i once watched in horror as my friend tried to kill himself. he just sat there, pushing, taunting death, breathing it in and then expelling it, while acting as if he knew it could do no wrong. i muttered something to him along the lines of how he should stop - i either spoke too softly, or it fell upon deaf ears, because he continued to do it, even asking if i'd like to try. i thought about it and tried to resist, but in the end i figured killing myself wouldn't be so bad...."
friday, december 18, 1998 11:59:02 pm
"...so isaac, alice and i went to watch 'enemy of the state' high on kind nuggets. oh man. it was one of those movies where when it was done you were extremely tired because all they did was run around. and that ending? i don't think i've ever seen that many people die in one scene before, except in movies where they drop bombs and stuff..."
saturday, december 19, 1998 11:58:52 pm
"...it was good times again. there we all were (alex, isaac, jacob and i) sitting in a room, with a hookah in between us and a care-free night upon us (reminds me of a prior date). we played a game of 'taboo' (where jacob and i kicked ass i might add, 32 to 20) and scarfed down on pita bread, feta cheese and olive oil..."
well, now that you've somewhat caught up with my life, i'm gonna have to take this time to tell you that i probably won't be around for the next few days. i'll be here tomorrow, but no doubt i'll be making last minute preperations for my trip this tuesday to toronto. if i'm lucky, i might be able to do an entry while i'm up in canada. hopefully. maybe.