monday, november 30, 1998 11:59:59 PM
for awhile i wished i was dead.
let me interrupt my ranting process right now to say that i'm not going to apologize to you (although i probably am on a subconscious level). in past entries i've apologized too many times for no real reason. after all, isn't this writing thing for me? i merely "publish" my entries to pretend to myself that i'm a published author. dreams of grandeur and things of that matter. but that's another story all together. so basically, it's tough luck that i've stayed away from writing, while you've come everyday to check. if you're tired of that or are getting annoyed, then i seriously suggest that you subscribe.
hell. that's what it has felt like. everything that has any real importance to me went wrong. ugh. it was a time when the morning sun would go up and i wished that it didn't, and instead of hopping up to face the oncoming day, i cursed and wished that it was still the dreariness of night so that i could wallow in grief and the misery of my own mistakes. i was a miserable, pathetic boy, hiding beneath my covers trying to push the pain back into my head and heart. it'll probably be the death of me, keeping all my emotions bottled up that is.
i don't know if i'm ready to give the full details though.
it probably all started when my computer broke down. for some reason i was feeling especially organized that day, and decided that along with cleaning my room, i would spent some good quality time cleaning out the junk that had collected on my hard drive over the past few months. things were going smoothly and no screw-ups had occurred when i figure, "why not defrag my hard drive as well?". big mistake, especially since i had nothing on my hard drive backed up in any fashion, and with me living in the stone age, didn't even have a zip disk (which has changed since this event, by the way). after the whole thing was finished i came back to my computer not working. i mean, there was the desktop, sitting there against my usual black background, but i couldn't click anything. the start button wasn't working, i couldn't move around the mouse pointer, and a small sweat started to break upon my brow. before i knew it my mind was racing. half my life was on that collection of silicon and circuits.
i ended up losing most of my data, only salvaging website stuff. all my apps were gone. i'm going to have to spent countless hours on the internet to try and find the smaller, less known applications that i used, which is going to be a big pain in my ass. oh yes, but it doesn't end there.
finding that i had nothing to do because my computer was not available at the time (which is really sad when i think about it) i found myself restless. because of my idiotic loner tendencies i didn't want to call my friends. or rather, i felt that they were mad at me, and i didn't want them to think that i only called them when i was bored. so i sat at home, watching television, frying my brain and becoming even more restless. i couldn't take it. i opened my sliding glass door and lit up.
after awhile my father came downstairs and realized that i had been smoking. so after years of illicit drug use and various illegal activities and other bad habits, he catches me smoking and explodes. what a bummer. after considerably toning down my less than respectable habits (i only smoke now), he catches me smoking, which is NOTHING compared to what i used to do, and goes ballistic. and then i blew up in return. i start to point out in a calm manner all the times he has fucked up and then things start to rumble.
things did not turn out well by the end of the evening.
it's funny. how i was so urgent to move in to spent some time with my father, but now i want to move out again. it didn't quite go as smoothly as i planned. alas.
originally this whole spew was going to be about how terrible everything has recently been. this second interjection is to tell you that things have gotten somewhat better.
my father left the following tuesday, which left me time to relax. after our messy incident there was a lot of tension in the house. no one was talking to each other, and we went through our routines in virtual silence. so him leaving for montreal to visit his wife was quite a relief for my sister and me.
usually i would have taken advantage of this, making a few phone calls and holding a "randall party". didn't happen this time. i just wasn't in the mood. instead i stayed home for the next couple of days, cleaning the house, and then cleaning it again. and after i was cleaning i would spend several hours veging out with my newly acquired zelda gold cartridge for n64 (which is incredible, by the way). hours of stimulation and mind distraction i tell you. as thanksgiving rolled by i realized that i had no one really to celebrate with, which was usually the case. i think it was only last year where i celebrated thanksgiving, and that was with isaac's family. my family has never celebrated thanksgiving, even when we weren't a totally dysfunctional family still living in canada.
saturday eventually was upon the world and i had to go to work at the bookstore, which is never really that much fun. however, during my stay there an old friend that i hadn't seen for about a year passed by work. during the past week i had been trying to call him to see how he was doing, but he never called back, and i figured that was that. he informed me that he did receive those messages only that he was on the west coast, visiting washington state and british colombia. we agreed that he would call me sometime so that we could hang out. i was duly pleased.
after several hours passed i finally took it upon myself to finally call isaac. i apologized for not really being around (have i ever told you how terrible i am with correspondence?) and like that, things were okay. good old isaac. he informed that our friend was holding a little get-together at her house and that i should come and show my face. at the time i didn't think i was going to go.
when i got home i was surprised to find that my sister had taken advantage of the empty house and was holding a party herself with a few of her friends. i tried to stay in my room and play more zelda but after some time i realized that the silly adolescent kids upstairs would not stop jumping around and causing a ruckus, so i decided to go to that little get-together.
everyone i was close friends with in highschool was there. isaac, alex, jacob, john, julie, jenn, chris (who cut his hair!) and steve were all there, and not to mention a few shady other characters that i didn't know. the usual was going on - card games, drinking, videogame playing, smoking cigarettes and pot, and general conversations. i was once again pleased. it was good to be emersed within the company of friends again.
i went home in happy spirits.
diversions and mentioned links: