Tuesday, November 18, 1998 11:03:53 PM

changing sky

i didn't go to school today. nor yesterday.

instead i stayed at home, laying in my bed and still wearing my sleeping attire. on tuesday there wasn't any real reason for me to stay home other than that I was extremely tired, and in a half-daze pressed the off button on my alarm clock instead of the snooze button.

although this may be familiar to those that stay home friday nights, i think it's true.

what matter of demon invented the alarm clock? i mean, who would think to create something that would interrupt us in what is probably our most natural state: sleep. a time when our body regenerates and makes itself better. but with the creation of the alarm came a greater evil. the snooze button.

how many appointments have i been late to because of the darn snooze button? countless times. don't get me wrong, generally i'm not late for rendezvous's. it's only when i need to wake up where there's a problem. as soon as its speaker begins to blare the fm signals that it receives, my hand immediately homes for the gray oval button labeled "snooze". it's a skill that has been so refined and engraved into my subconscious that when i DO manage to wake up, i no longer even remember if my alarm clock went off even though i see that it is still set in the ALARM ON position.

as for today, i stayed home because i was unbelievable unmotivated, and felt slightly depressed. this was due to the argument i had with my mother tuesday night. we were arguing about her not willing to help my sister to get her greencard (to live here - she lives in canada).

i'll be honest, when i say that i can understand why my mother is so apprehensive. there's a couple of reasons (i think) why my mother doesn't want to comply. if you haven't kept up to date, my father and mother officially divorced from their marriage of 24 years, after an exhausting 13 year separation. now i'm in the states for school, and now my sister wants to return here for school as well (she went to school here for a year 2 years ago). so i'm guessing one reason is that my mother will feel deathly alone due to the loss of her one romantic love, her son, and soon her daughter. another reason is because she'll probably loose her claim for alimony money. argh.

i'll also be honest in saying that my mother has abused herself. in her depression (which nobody really realized that she had) she partied a lot, and never got that much sleep, which i have no doubt has led to a certain amount of brain cell loss. i know, i know, this sounds terribly harsh, but it IS the truth. she's terrible at remembering things, and sometimes has a hard time trying to comprehend some things that i throw her way. and she used to be quite an intelligent lady too, which is a shame. she didn't get to become a senior registered nurse by eating chocolate.

i hate arguing with my mother because of the infrequency of our talks. it makes me sad to think that the only time we get to talk to each other is also when we fight and yell at each other over the phone.

so, i couldn't hack it. sue me. maybe this sound retarded to you, or maybe even petty, but it really has gotten to me. i spent most of the day being kind of moppy, and surfing the web (like i haven't done that before), and wondering how all of this will turn out.

my addiction hasn't stopped despite my efforts to at least slow it down. i smoked twice yesterday and today, feeling quite happy and relaxed after each session. maybe i'm falling. hopefully not to hard.

i distracted myself. i made one index page, fooled around with metababy, made a subscribe thingee, and then replaced the index page i just made, with another one. i also brushed my teeth 9 times (no joke) and and read a few pages about social problems. my guitar kept me busy for awhile, but instead of writing a new song, i played through a randomized collection of original and covers songs.

i think i'm done whining now.

diversions and mentioned links:
. metababy
. old index page
. subscribe

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