sleepless fury

july 11th

darker days

So I have decided. I am back, despite thinking that I thought I would be swamped by all my projects. Not that many people will be here to rejoice my return - it seems that during my hiatus, several of my readers have decided not to come back, which really is quite alright. I believe that at my journal's highest point of popularity there were about 70 to 90 people that regularly visited

to see what was going on in my life. No possible reasoning has seemed to make sense when I think as to WHY on earth they would want to know about me, but I suppose whatever floats your boat. I do know that a few of my friends that I know offline read my journal as to gather some insight as to what is going on in our "area", which is fine by me, but I hope they realize that they have been seeing things from the way I see things, which I don't think is really good.

I've come to the conclusion that I may possibly not be stable. Why I think that I can't explain. So just point at me and say I'm full of shit.

The past few days since my last entry have been... there. I actually spent a lot of time contemplating whether or not I should take the effort to start up this useless project again. In fact, I wrote a few entries over the few days, but decided not to post them, thinking that I wasn't really going to return. I do many foolish things like that, venturing into projects, but when it comes to the final stages, or even simple presentation I never take the time to produce. I imagine that many of my friends view me as prolific - and for all they know it probably look like that I am. The truth of the matter is that I'm just not as prolific as I wish I could be. I knew if I actually finished everything that I started I would be producing far more than I am right now.

Let's see... The job. Last Wednesday Isaac and I started working at a job in downtown Wilmington, a city that isn't too far from where we live. Actually we live much closer to Wilmington (for me it's practically across the street) than Philadelphia even though we do reside in the state of Pennsylvania. Philadelphia is MUCH larger than Wilmington, and thus I can imagine myself enjoying myself to higher level within the folds of Philly than in Wilmington. In fact, if I lived within the greater city of Wilmington, the thought of moving away would probably be in my mind a lot. As I was saying, we now work under the city of Wilmington (a government-related job, how depressing when one really thinks about it), actually under the title of the Wilmington Housing Authority. Basically what I do (or will be doing over the next few weeks) is work with underprivileged kids that live in Wilmington's housing projects. Not a fun sounding job at all, but I think it does have its assets. As any job working with underprivileged children, it will probably look quite good on my resume, and the pay isn't really bad. Definitely not as well paying my old job (I pulled in $14.50 an hour at that job, but don't ask me why I decided to leave that job), but here I get consistent GOOD hours, as well as doing something that is somewhat consciously rewarding. I imagine that to most this job sounds scary, which it probably is (our supervisor told Isaac and me not to venture down streets that we weren't familiar with, heh) but I think that in the long run it's going to turn out to be a good experience.

We've only been working there for three days but I'm pretty sure that we've already achieved our "comfort" groove. When we first arrived there everything was pretty much in a state of disarray. From what I was told, the summer camp (which we are basically staff of) was cancelled the week that we started because everything was chaotic and things needed to be organized. Well, our jobs when arriving there for the past three days have been: create the different schedules for the three different age groups (which consists of 6-8, 9-11, then 12+), then create the rain day schedule for each of the three groups, and then create the disciplinary action plam for the youth center. Just by doing those pretty demanding tasks I think we've found respect with Laura (our supervisor) as well as the other staff members and youth workers that have found employment with the youth centers.

Imagine this, in a center full of kids that live in the Wilmington projects (probably about 90 people at the center's climax) there are only three people there that aren't of an african-american background: me (summer staff worker), Isaac (the only other summer staff worker) and Laura (yes, our supervisor). I remember when I first opened the double doors of the center I was thinking "this job is going to kick my ass". It hasn't yet. And hopefully the gods of malice and ill fun will be kind to us over the duration of the next few weeks. Hopefully.

Ugh. The grammar in this entry must be atrocious. Not that I'm going to check, as I've never checked before. You're all intelligent people. I'm sure you can understand what I'm saying.

My dreams of late have been strange. I find that they've become more lucid in term of imagery, but as their meanings... I'm still lost. It's been awhile since I've had THE 21 DREAM (which I'm quite happy about), but the thought of it still bothers me. I think the most recent dream I've had was about wrapping myself in my curtains (I have these ugly curtains that cover the sliding doors that I have - which conveniently provide me instant access to the outside for all those various reasons that one may require access to the outside) and then being eaten by a huge giant like a gigantic egg roll. The dream was really more humorous than scary; in fact I remember that I was laughing for whole of its sequence.

I haven't been partying as much as I was during the beginning of these summer days. Granted, I've really been feeling party-ied out, and I've even been turning down offers to venture off somewhere, which explains why I haven't been partying as much. I still get together with a few people and join in a few sessions, participating in Valley Cruises and a few games of Do the Dew, but nothing out of ordinary if you knew me.

I find that the relationships with my online friends have been waning. For those that may be reading this, I still love you guys completely, it's just that I'm not online as much, and with that always comes some sort of division of sorts, I suppose. I imagine if I started seeing them more regularly again, we'd start up where we left off last, joking about terrible websites, stupid people, and generally making fun of the asshole that seem to fill up our days.

I haven't cut my grass for close to two weeks now. I think I'll have reached the two week mark by tomorrow (today is Saturday, right?) which is not a good thing at all. I just looked out my window, and I can see the wind making small waves in my grass, while all my neighbours lawns are simply there, looking pretty and green. My lawn mower is going to have a fun time tomorrow, that's for sure. If you see a guy mowing his lawn in a distant suburb of Philadelphia, cursing every five minutes, it'll probably be me.

A few useless things I've been thinking about:
- I've never been to Florida. I also don't think I'll be there any time soon unless I'm someone convinces me that it would be good of me to go. Perhaps if someone invited me to go there some time I *could* think about venturing there.
- I haven't worn a watch for well over two years. I can't stand wearing them, and besides, that un-tanned bar around your wrist can look terrible.
- Smoking buds to the point of inebriation is NEVER good for ones singing voice.
- I really enjoy jamming with Jack. I find that the more we practice, the more we can understand each other, and thus create awesome sounding chord and beat progressions.

For those of you that do remember my older entries, I still play with Revolution every once in awhile. It's been one of the few things in my life that I've purchased that has managed to still entertain me after a 3 week period. I find that simply astounding for some reason. Twenty dollars of fun. Heh.

"alas my love you say goodbye" - kevin smith

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