sleepless fury

february the 27th

mindspill logo

It has just came to my attention that my sleepless fury entries doesn't look as good under Microsoft Internet Explorer as they do in Netscape. It's probably worse under that terrible browser AOL has. MIE and AOL suck anyway. *laugh*

Anyhow, I'm writing early today because in all probability I won't be able to write later tonight. A bunch of us are probably going into Philadelphia to watch the Pink Floyd laser show again. If you read my last entry about the floyd laser show, you know how I excited I am to go :)

Leigh finally got my email that I had done her page, and she loved it. I was happy... even though I really didn't work that much or even that hard on it, she seemed to be pleased with the logo that I made for her (it's that graphic on the top right of this page, the "mindspill") but she wasn't able to figure out how to save the page that I had made for her. At the thought of this I was slightly annoyed, but then again, she's only started learning HTML, so it's all good. I like her anyhow.

I didn't write yesterday because I was extremely distressed. My father and I had a talk. Yep, one of those talks. He told me that I had no direction in my life, and he's completely right. Of course, I completely denied that... It seems that recently that has been the standard rule of all parent/child relationships - you just simply have to appose each other.

Susan also plenty of arguments with her mother. Allie has had plenty with her parents as well... It went so far that she deemed it necessary for her to run away. And when she decided to do that, I was seeing her... You can imagine how that made me look in the eyes of her parents. I could understand when they chose not to believe everything that I told them, although everything that I did say was the truth.

Don't get me wrong - I do have direction in my life, although it is vague. I have this nagging (well, I don't know if I can quite call it a nag!) that I will be successful no matter what. This feeling didn't stem from any kind of egotistical characteristic of mine; on the contrary, if it were up to me, I'd probably just become a hermit and live up in the Andes or some other secluded place. But it just seems to be in my destiny. In my explorations with the occult, tarot cards and palm reading have revealed it to be so. I know it's foolish to rely so much of my life on those things... but it's SO nice to think about!

My wanting to be successful just doesn't sit on the hand of fate. Although I am still slightly interested in pre-med, I have to admit it bores me to the highest degree. I have always enjoyed writing, singing, design and etc, so it only seems sensible for me to cultivate these talents of mine.

My father doesn't seem to think so.

I intend to still follow what my heart and mind both agree on. The arts mean so much to me. They fill a dark hole that sits within my dark soul and makes me shine. Every time I pursue something artistic it somehow manages to make me smile and enjoy everything around me. How can anyone help getting addicted to this feeling? I personally cannot.

A young lady that has joined a new webring that I am also a part of contacted me through my guestbook. Stacie wrote something quite cryptic: "you got a look, Randall, and it's a nice one." I couldn't help but email her immediately and asked what that meant. She giggled in her email and told me that she enjoyed the look of my site. Now, at that particular time frame in space, I felt the urge to tell her how disparaged I felt. I didn't do it so outrightly, but rather left subtle hints (how childish am I?). She seemed to pick up immediately, which must have scared me off, because I didn't feel like replying back once she tried to ask if something was wrong. How strange of me.

How strange indeed.

Anyhow, I may end up a bum, or I may die when I'm 21 like my dreams reveal. Either way I'm living right now and I've got to do something about it.

The sun is shining and the air outside is fresh. I think I will go out and enjoy it.

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